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May 18th, 2008

Here We Go Again

the sensitivity, the idealism, the naivety, the empathy, the mind constantly at work. to be srunched up and flung against the wall, repeatedly, and then so stupidly going back for more.

I would give up anything to be sensual, of this world. to derive pleassure from each and every one of my senses. to stop living theoretically, in abstraction, in absentia.

to sting and to hurt at all the world's injustices, to cry when confronted wtih the poor, to take every failed effort at progress as personal, to keep hoping only to be disappointed at this world, and the people who inhabit it. th disappointent is so much greater because of the foolish, stubborn hope that people are good, and that things can be better. the stupid stupid doggedness. why?

maybe my kind was just not meant to live on this earth.

take a deep breath. here we go again.

April 15th, 2008

Walking away


Oh little girl, why you cry
don't keep your head down, look high
though i know it hurts to go, your Father sees you.
don't give up just keep on going, though the winds may blow
and the boat that leads you on to shores that will keep going, keep going...

and oh Father don't you weep, no, the pain's too hard to keep, i know..
I know i know, is all i can say. cos when the trials do get tough
it's hard to sing, it's hard to love, the trials will keep coming, with no end

cos candlewood, you understood, the ways of life and how they could,
lead you on to shores of pain and glory
cos candlewood you know that suffering in pain and joy you're not alone and
you know, you know what it means to take and give away..

she was walking in the fields, with her white clothes, made of steel
chained to the ground but she kept walking.
she lifted her head up high and let out a crying song and dance, and she sings a song for us
sweet..sweet song

candlewood you understood ways of life and how they keep going,
how you keep on going though they push you away
candlewood you understood what meant to shine in the night hight with the light and
you undestand what it means to give and take away.

you shine through the night...
your song keeps on going the flow of the morning light...flows through you and you will stay true, not gorgotten by me, no,
keep on singing a song of sorry and glory
of sorry and joy...and glory

cos you built up the land you opened up your heart and sang for me
and i'll hold up your hand and sing a song for you.
oh candlewood, you understood, the ways of life and how they could
lead you to shores above and in your love you gave a story,
and i will sing and i will dance..
i'll lift my hands and take a stance
for your cause

cos you showed me what it means to give and take away...

--Aeden Keffelew

I need to walk away.

March 23rd, 2008

Dolphins in the Mekong

Cambodia was magical.

riding on motorbikes on rugged terrian, wind in hair, passing rice padi fields, floating villages. pencils, books jelly and candy for children, sunrises and sunsets, glorious glorious sunsets on the Mekong

massages, cigars, $1 cocktails..

conversations on patriotism, money, sex, family, love, death, travel. life.
strumming, singing, swinging (hands and feet in water)

smiles--broad, heartwarming, spontaneous.

5 short, endless days. unreality. all but precious memories coming home.

March 3rd, 2008

what i ask for

i was having dinner with S last night, at Senso, a beautiful Italian restaurant on Club street.

I was telling him that I really didn't ask for very much in a man.
I did not care for wealth, intelligence, or looks.
All i wanted was for someone to treat me well, to treat me good.
cos I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself otherwise.

And then I said that that was actually a lot to ask for.
S agreed. He said that these days, no one really treats others well enough.


I watched Away From Her today, it was incredibly sad. Love is always assymetrical at any one point, and more often than not, love is illusory.

January 7th, 2008

(no subject)

I just want to be left alone. isolated and thus insulated.
Please just leave me alone untouched and whole, instead of entering into my zone, and leaving it punctured when you exit.

it's difficult to hold yourself together with a perforated edge.

December 20th, 2007

(no subject)

I would rather be alone than to feel lonely next to my lover.

with him sometimes I felt more lonely than anything else, when I was right next to him.

breaking up with him was the right, and only, thing to do. It was a relieve for him as well I think, and if I didn't do it he wouldn't have known how to do himself and the two of us would just have continued being swept along by time and circumstance.

i wasn't even asking for reciprocation--i just wanted some appreciation. He was a good guy, i liked him a lot, but he wasn't good for me--he never really supported me through anything, and made me feel bad about myself much of the time. If my sense of self was not so secure, i would really have felt i was worthless. but thanks to the people i really love in my life, i knew that i was not.

June 30th, 2007


I just got back from Bath. I went there alone today. Excluding the 3-hour delay back because of a fatal accident, the day was quite perfect.

Slowly through the course of the day, i started caring again. Bath had a lot to do with it. The train ride there itself was discomforting--discomforting in that it first brought me out of my habituated nonchalance, the indifference, the carelessness that have come to be by de facto personality these days. The English countryside is beautiful. perhaps it is because it sees so little sun that the English countryside is shielded when the sun finally does come out--afraid that the harshness of brilliant sunshine might prove too overwhelming, the sun shines tentatively--so that the scene is tender, precarious, precious. Bath itself is very pretty too, more european in some parts than english.

i walked into the Victoria Museum of Art, where they were having an exhibition of the Society of Bath Artists, and the familiar but long-missed tingles up the spine, hair standing on ends, heart in throat sensations returned. returned with a jolt. how art can pique such raw and subtle sensibilities i do not know. for the first time in a long while, i was feeling. i was fully engaging this material world. tears threatened to fall. all these colours, all these strokes, all this texture. i wanted to weep there and there in the middle of the art gallery. how i've forgotten how art touches me so. i love art. and i missed it so much. if i can afford to one day, i want to a little art gallery of my own, or at least a little room, where i can keep and display the art my heart desires, or lend them to a museum. one of my biggest regrets to this day is passing up the Dali lithograph in vienna those years ago. in retrospect 900 euros is a bargain for pricelessness. if i can afford to one day, i want to paint. i want to sit at my easel and paint. I'm not sure watercolours will suit me. maybe. but most probably oils. thick, layered oils.

It wasn't just Bath per se however. I realised that i liked being by myself. I thinks i;m crazy, thinks I'm deviant, thinks I'm weird to go to london on my own to watch 2 musicals, to go to bath on my own, to go to africa on my own. i don't care what I thinks. I hate using these terms--deviant, abnormal, normal--thanks to foucault, but i think it's perfectly sane to want to be alone. london was a bit lonely at first, just because i haven't been left by myself in a while, but i need to get away from everything and from people. and then after London's initiation yesterday, Bath was the start of my enjoying adventuring alone. and i love it. I'm not the kind who needs someone there with me all the time. how claustrophobic. By myself, i am myself. my thoughts are clarified, i am thinking, i am connecting with and communicating with this earth. i can hear myself speak, i can hear myself think. i am away from having to justify myself, or my actions to anyone.

and what about loneliness?As Celine from Before Sunset says, "i'd rather be alone than feel lonely next to my lover." i don't feel lonely. i think. and even if i do, i think i relish it. i think i actually enjoy the solitude, i actually love the solitary life.

maybe it's because i've started to read again. i've read a book a day for the past three days. marvelous. i've forgotten as well how i enjoyed reading.

As i rode back on the train at sunset ( at about 9.30!), the English pastoral landscape was swathed in the softest of pinks and purples and blues, colours that served as foils to the reflection of the bright orange setting sun on the window through which i stared out. i turn my head across the isle and see the deep, bright orange orb of the setting sun itself and am so startled by the beauty of everything i am taking in. The countryside really resembles the watercolours i have seen in museums, or even the strokes and dots and dabs of the impressionists and post-impressionists. monet? matisse? manet? strange how surprised i am at how intimately life imitates the art that imitates in the first place.

this world is so beautiful it hurts. i love it. i love it. i love it.

but that doesn't make me like people any better.

May 15th, 2007

sue the perverse

i need to stop hurting people. it's like i have this perverse subconscious compulsion to hurt even the people i really care about. it's like i have an amorphous body of morals that i don't even live by.
and these are real people and real feelings and real pain involved.

i want to float around in a bubble that never bursts so i can keep everyone away from me...

May 10th, 2007


'But I want neither world nor dream, divine voice,
I want my liberty, my human love
in the darkest corner of the breeze no one wants.
Because I am not a man, not a poet, not a leaf,
only a wounded pulse that circles the things the other side.'

Federico Garcia Lorca

May 6th, 2007

"Dear Gen,

i'm lookin at your blog and my heart bleeds. it really does. seeing "unrecoverable past" is so incredibly painful. i used to burst into tears by how hppay i was to see you SO, VERY happy in those very pics, and when i came to duke, seeing it in real life was better than i could ever imagine. 'it' being the extraordinary love between you and mikey...

now i burst into tears cos i know It no longer exists. the deepest, most natural, safest, most excitting, most care-free, most uplifing, fiercest love i have ever seen to exist between two ppl is gone..

and gen, it makes it so much more painful because i like to think i KNOW mikey, i met him, and i think he is the most precious person in the world. and i know you. and he was the best person for you. beyond my wildest dreams..

please tell me all about things when i'm there gen, and i hope i'm satisfied with the story...i'll try to udnerstand but i'll also try to set you straight..

i remember mikey, gen, i LOVED him. loving someone never came more easily and more naturally for me. i daresay loving him was way easier than loving you at duke. he HE was always ALWAYSthere for mewhen i was tehre gen, while you frittered away with your buds. he was there for me while i was crying my heart out away to myself because you abandoned me. i won't have mikey at oxford gen, so please take care of gerrie! i'll have no one but
you--don't leave me aside!!=((

i love you gen, and i do love mikey. you can strangle me, but i still dream being auntie to the most fabulous kids in the world--yours and mikey's.


and lotsa love, gerrie.."
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